Biggest Loser!

So the one and only 'reality tv' show that I will watch (personally I think it's the only one worth watching) started tonight!!  Biggest Loser Season 9.  It was incredible.  And it inspired me to start working out again because even though I may not be deathly overweight...I am a wittle on the chubby side especially after getting married.  I say I've gained a pound for every month we've been married....eeck!

Well, not only did I work out tonight but I got ADAM to work out with me!  We did some aerobo-cardio stuff on a video I have, Slim in 6...yes, it's from the late night infomercials from BeachBody...but I really do like it.  And Adam wasn't totally bored.  He said he didn't want to do anything 'stupid'.  I asked him if it was stupid afterward and he said, 'yes'.  But would he do it again?  'Yes'.  haha!

Ok, now it's time for nightynight,

not so 'Prince Charming'

So I mentioned needing a 'creative outlet'.  To start, don't think this post is about me needing an outlet AWAY from le hubby.  Not at all, not at all.

As maaaany of my dear friends know, I get stressed out very easily and when things really are ashambles with the stress, I nearly fall apart.  Well, things have been very stressful for us right now.  I lost my 'big girl' job in May for reasons out of my hands.  Adam & I moved getting married up by about 6 months (and sorry No, we didn't do it because 'got pregnant') in July.  Adam's father was home from overseas for a short visit and our parents asked us to forgo a big wedding for a small private one.  It was wonderful, beautiful, romantic, sweet, and simple...not to mention the mulla we saved.  Getting married was the best idea then...I've cherished the last 6 months and marriage is just.....incredible.  Incredible, incredible, incredible.
Besides that, I have been completely amiss as to what to do with my life anymore.  I couldn't find ANY job possibilities related to my field.  Heck, I hadn't really found any job possibilities at all.  After not working for 3 whole months my old boss at School-Aids called me back to help her out at the store.  I've been there since August and still haven't found anything else.  I've got applications in with the state, the federal government, and a few local places.  I don't get paid a lot and I can't be given a full 40 hour week.  Lately, I've been getting less than 20.

Is my point of this blog to complain?  No, absolutely not.  But really.  I am immensely thankful for the extra income we have at all from me working, but I can't at all say that I'm happy.  I have no idea where things are going.  I have so many questions.  Am I not meant to be a therapist?  Is there some great thing I'm missing?  Is the Lord trying to show me/teach me something?  What if there's nothing profound to it all?  And I don't have control.

We also recently found out that years of severe headaches are due to a curve in my spine...major ouch.  Finding out the cause was great and all, but did it magically make the pain go away?  No way.  When my headaches are really bad, I pretty much can't function.  I've missed work sometimes because of it...and I've definitely missed other things, like church and the responsibilities I have there.  I used to call or text Adam on my way home from work if I wasn't going to make it.  More recently, he just knows that if I don't make it, that's why.  I miss leading my accountability group girls and participating in worship...and on top of the physical pain, I feel horrible for missing and feel like I've let people down and I'm not responsible enough and not strong enough and not good enough.  That makes the whole thing worse.  My stress increases and so does the pain.  It's a vicious cycle.  When all of this piles up...I melt.
All of this to say...I had two panic attacks this past week.  They were horrible.  There was much crying and screaming and shaking.  And through all of it, Adam was not so 'Prince Charming'.  I don't mean this the way you're expecting at all.  He didn't freak out himself or freeze up or just tell me to suck it up or anything, but he also didn't just hug me and kiss me and give me empty promises that 'everything will be alright'.  He didn't try to sugarcoat any of my problems.  He didn't try to calm me just because it bothered him or felt he needed to rush me.  He did nothing that I expected and everything I needed.  He talked me through everything until I was calm.
I'd never dated anyone else before Adam & I met, so I've never had any other markers of experience to measure how things 'should' be.  The only things I have to go on are a culmination of others' relationships and what I've seen in fairy tales and chick flicks.  But it doesn't happen that way.  Life doesn't work that way.  The sweet Lord doesn't work that way.

Before Adam and I ever spoke a word of our vows, I wanted to be biblically submissive.  It's not that I wanted to do anything and everything he asked.  I can't even explain it.  But after those vows, that desire just became stronger.  I pray for, support, encourage, and defend Adam and no I'm not perfect at it constantly and yes there are times I wanna smack him in the back of the head...but I submit.  And as though it were merely a natural flow to our lives (because truly it is), he loves me more than himself. 
Through all of this, I'm continuallycontinuallycontinually reminded of Christ's love for me, his bride.  And that reminder makes this life so much sweeter.

that's all for now I suppose,